I know this is a difficult subject. Finding love can be really confusing, heartbreaking and even exhausting. Let’s have a look at some painful and personal reasons why you can’t seem to find love. But let me tell you something: you hold all the keys to finding love.
You’re not looking for love – to find love
You are looking for Brad Pitt. Or Angelina Jolie, if you’re a man. This is the most common reason why people can’t find love. We tend to focus on ideal bodies, ideal figures, ideal faces, etc. Wake up, my friend this is the real world we’re living in.
It’s not your fault. Me and you have been trained to see a person’s looks first and personality second. The media is guilty of this. It’s not your fault. But now it’s time to realise that in order to find love, you need more than eyes to recognise it.
When you look at him or her, do you see a temporary TV star or a potential lifetime partner?
How do I get to like someone I’m not even attracted to?
I will counter your question with the following: how do you get to love someone you are only physically attracted to? His or her personality sucks. A real mess. The total opposite of what you are. etc. Maybe the sex is great, but you’re bored to death with this person. Or when you need someone to talk to, he/she can’t seem to be able to hold a true conversation with you. You know where this is going…Nowhere.
The real answer to that question is to look for someone who will complete you, regardless of what he or she looks like. I’m not saying you cannot have a certain taste or physical preference, that’s not what I’m saying. What I mean is that your partner will change anyway, whether you like it or not. People change over time. Both of you will get old and get wrinkles and bellies. There’s things you cannot avoid in life, like physical changes over time. So, consider personality over the physical aspect. Your partner’s love for you will prevail. But his or her beauty will…change. If you love, you will still find him or her lovely, even at age 90. The key is to really see beyond physical beauty. You need someone that’s strong where you’re a little weaker. There’s nothing wrong with that. We can’t all be hero’s on all aspects. Don’t forget; you want to be her or his hero on some level too!
You’re not being yourself – to find love
You want to please. You want to appear as what you expect him or her to want from you. Hold on, maybe your partner is the one that’s faking all of it. That’s where things go wrong very often. After a while, you realise that you’re not dating who you thought you fell in love with. Or you end up being tired of acting, just to be with that person. And you don’t feel comfortable. You yearn for something else, somebody else, (you cheat) and want to move on to something that’s real.
Well, be real. From the get-go.
Women: stop the excessive make-up, men don’t like it, trust me. It’s not you, the real you is underneath the make-up. A little will suffice. Stay as natural possible. Keep in mind; if you go on with this guy then he will eventually wake up next to you everyday, without the make up. Don’t let him reconsider his decision after he finds out what you really look like.
Men: don’t raise the bar too high on how you approach a woman. Don’t take her out on a dinner date 25 times in 2 months and then just completely stop after you got her to love you. Start slow and keep up with a realistic pace. It’s disappointing too, to stop the lovey-doviness as soon as you conquered her heart. Women are sensitive to that stuff, keep finding new ways to love her.
Other than that, make sure you stay true to yourself and show your true nature from the beginning. If you don’t like something, tell him/her the first time you talk about it. Don’t be assuming he will notice you don’t like something. (women: noticed how I only mentioned him this time?)
You’re not looking at the right places/time – to find love
Bad Place, Bad Timing – Part I
If this one isn’t the number one mistake people make, then it’s probably in the Top 5. Or Top 3. People go to some places and expect to find love. Example: you go out with friends and expect to find somebody right there and at that time. No, that’s not how it always works.
First of all, you smell bad. You smell like desperation. Everything you say and do shows how badly you’re trying to find a lover. It’s not sexy. You become vulnerable to people with different intentions. Your behaviour could be interpreted as ‘thirsty’ and you could even be played by someone who wasn’t looking for any commitment to start with. Call a square a square and a circle a circle, if you act cheap then people will treat you like…that.
Try real and regular stuff where you could meet real people without alcohol (daytime) and also have real conversations.
Bad Place, Bad Timing – Part II
Let’s be honest, you’re not looking for a crushed – depressed and suicidal individual, are you? Well, don’t be either! If you are, then you’ll be toxic to your other half and many other people. Be a happy and always smiling person. Despite the many reasons given not to smile. Be loveable. Love yourself enough to sense when you’re dating someone that could be toxic to you.
Before you head out and start looking, make sure you spent time with yourself and wondered about your past, who and what you are today and who you want to be with in the future. Determine your goals. Know where you want to go and you’ll know what to discuss with your potential spouse. If you don’t want children for instance, that should be clear from the start. Be emotionally in a good place with yourself. Do not expect someone else to make you happy. A lover can only make you happier. Your own happiness is essential to be in a healthy relationship.
Be the best version of yourself in order to get the best version of your prince or princess. Don’t forget: you hold all the keys to both happiness and love.
Photograph by Wyatt Fisher